And New York is the most beautiful city in
the world? It is not far from it. No urban night is like the night
there.... Squares after squares of flame, set up and cut into the
aether. Here is our poetry, for we have pulled down the stars to our
will.
-Ezra Pound (1885-1972), U.S. poet,
critic
This month marks the one-year anniversary of the attack on September
11th. I debated within myself whether to address the event. I was lucky;
no one I knew died or was injured. I had been working at the World Trade
Center up until a month before the attack. I saw it as a fateful blessing
that I wasn't working there anymore. Everyone that I had worked with
was fine but if I had experienced it first hand I probably would have
moved out of NYC. My younger brother is in the army and at the last
minute was not sent out to Afghanistan. For two months my family thought
he had been shipped over because our last phone conversation took place
on the 11th as he was cleaning his guns and packing up.
The hardest thing I had to do that morning was walk over the 59th street
bridge fighting my fear of heights. Rita held my hand and walked/talked
me through it. For one brief moment I panicked and headed towards a
truck that was loading up anybody that was quick enough. Actually I
think I was panicking for most of that walk. Rita and I tried to keep
our sense of humor in the situation. We nicknamed a tall man with dyed
bright red hair that she thought she knew our "beacon" and kept sight
of him as we walked over the bridge. The helicopters above head had
everyone jumpy as people gazed over at the thick flow of smoke that
filled the otherwise sunny day. We walked over that bridge and straight
into our local bar at about 2 in the afternoon. Our friends slowly drifted
in dazed and confused. Someone at the bar had bought a television. I
couldn't watch it. This was not one of those instances where being educated
on the subject was going to make me feel better. Instead we all talked
about what we wanted to do before we died. I do believe there was plenty
of talk about hooking up. The next day I stayed home- everyone else
at my job went to work. I simply explained that Giuliani told me to
stay home. I know that a lot of people don't care for Giuliani but after
that day I had a lot of respect for that man, he stayed calm in a city
of chaos. Soon after, it was back to "normal" in NY.
It feels shallow writing about the experience at all but I know it
affected me and others close to me. I still have not been anywhere near
ground zero nor do I have any interest in going there. My roommate's
reactions were opposite to the extreme. One who had witnessed more than
she could explain took off to Long Island to her family for a few weeks.
The other got as involved as he could volunteering and was as close
to the site as he could get the next day.
Can I say that the city has changed? I believe it did the first few
weeks. Maybe even the first month we were all a little kinder. New Yorker's
pride themselves on being capable and strong. That we were. But I don't
believe that anyone is the person they were when they went to bed on
September 10th. We are so used to being stressed that it's hard to differentiate
whether the attack has brought additional stress. There was hope of
change coming. Predictions were made on the baby boom that would follow,
how people would "settle down" and become compassionate. That hasn't
changed much around me and thankfully no one I know went out and got
pregnant as a solution. Are people kinder? Perhaps, but it also triggered
a self-awareness that borders on selfishness. It's almost as if we are
expecting the kindness without practicing it ourselves. How many conversations
now start with "since September 11th I now, or I want to, or I deserve"?
I believe that the attack has triggered a new level of self-indulgence.
Drug and alcohol abuse has skyrocketed. The stress levels that New Yorkers
are experiencing are about twenty percent higher than the nation's average.
How does one find balance? That's a personal decision- everyone handles
stress differently. I eased up on the partying and started going to
the gym 4-5 days a week. I'm not alone in this- health club memberships
have risen significantly. Exercise has been proven to keep depression
and anxiety at bay and stress levels at a minimum.
Still the days get closer to the anniversary. As of today I still haven't
heard anything on how we are to publicly commemorate the occasion. That
is something that I believe is private as well. I personally will be
saying a small prayer for the innocent and thanking that higher being
up there for what I do have.
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